How I Became Deputy Sheriff By Garner Conn I’d been trappin all winter and come spring I needed all sorts of supplies and I needed human companionship too. I had a good horse and two fine mules, they were good companions but a mite short on talk. So after last snow melt I packed up all my kit and caboodle and headed for civilization. Now this was well past the days of the fur trapper and the beaver hat. The mountain men such as Jim Bridger, Jeddiah Smith, and the Sublette Brothers were gone. Now I weren’t out there trying to fill no shoes of those boys but to make a few dollars and get along in this world. I was mostly after critters that went after live stock. The ranchers put a bounty on them. Wolf, bear, fox, coyote, all kinds of cat were what I was after, of course I didn’t have much to say about what or who wandered in and was dumb enough to get snared. Whatever it was I took it, anything from skunk to mountain lion and all in between. I sold my furs at the general store, ordered new supplies, bought some new clothes. Tried to chat a mite with the store keeper but realized I was smelly as an up wind skunk so broke that off and headed for the barber shop. I needed a bath, haircut and shave. Now that bath water looked a mite thick to me but the barber assured me that it had only been used once. But it was hot and there was soap. I sunk down in that hot water and truly thought I had died and gone to heaven. Two hours later when I left there that water was five months thicker, there was a winters worth of hair and whiskers on the floor and the barber was two dollars richer. I was wearing all my new duds, I had even bought me a Stetson hat. I was some fancy Dan let me tell you. I had been eating my own cooking out there in them hills for the past five months living in a half tent, half lean to, half cabin, half cave and had my mind fixed on a good paid for café meal. On the way down the street I seen a sign in the window of the saloon that changed my whole life. “Free Lunch.” As rich as I was ( I had about $40.00.) I couldn’t turn my back on something free. So in I went. Now that there lunch was good and the beer was even better. The talking with the bartender and those other boys there was something I had been wanting all winter. One thing I want you to understand is that bar talk ain’t always the top notch in truthfulness. There was a few pretty high handed stories got told in there I even regaled them with my story of fighting off a momma griz who had a tooth ache with a broken pocket knife and a shiny fifty cent piece. Course they didn’t believe that. And they never asked how I knew the griz had a toothache. I didn’t lay much stock in some of their stories neither. When you get in a situation like that you know the first liar doesn’t stand a chance. Like I said before that beer was mighty good and I over did it. Being out there in those woods that long with out nothing to wet the whistle and it had been some before that since I had a taste, well It kind a snuck up on me. When The Sheriff got there and arrested me I was so well oiled if I had falled over I would have probably missed the floor. Now the Sheriff was one of the “Good Old Boys” a few years past his prime but knew his job and wasn’t afraid to do it, he had a small paunch over his belt and another under his chin but it was his eyes that got your attention. They said “ Lets do this easy, your going to lose anyway.” And the well used six gun on his hip backed up every word his eyes said. The walk from the saloon to the hoosegow weren’t far but it got my beery belly sloshing and I was beginning to feel it. The lawman took his time, walked slow and explained a few things to me clearly and quietly so I would understand as we dodged the ruts and horse piles in the street. . “Your under arrest for Drunk, Disorderly Conduct and Disturbing the Peace.” I allowed I was drunk but didn’t know I was disturbing no one, specially those boys in the saloon and I sure wasn’t disorderly but I didn’t argue cuz I was startin to feel awful overloaded in the stomach. He continued “ I could just chase you out of town and forget the whole thing but you might get out there and hurt yourself or worse yet hurt your horse. So you will be my guest for the night, go to court in the morning , pay a small fine then have breakfast on the county after that you will leave town.” He assured me I would be leaving. I mumbled something to let him know I was listening. “Another reason your going to jail is because I get a bounty for every collar I make. In jail your worth fifty cents to me out on the range your worth nothing.” Right then I didn’t feel like two cents no matter what I was worth.. The sheriff’s office was just a wooden building with two rooms, one was his office with a desk, some cartons for files , a stove , couple of chairs, a gun rack with some guns in it, and some fly specked dusty posters on the walls. The other room was the jail, no barred cells just a bare room, , with a cot, a yellow stained mattress and half a blanket. “Out that door” , he pointed “Is the four holer. I want you to go out there right now and use it.” I did as I was told , came back in two minutes . I gonna put you in that jail room there and then I’m going home for the night. I’m not going to lock the doors , got a couple reasons for that , number one is if there is a fire I don’t want you burned up. Fried cowpoke ain’t no good to anybody. Reason number two is you’ll probably have to use the place out back again , please do. And reason number three and the most important is I .don’t got no keys to lock it up if I wanted to. Got new locks ordered but they ain‘t come in yet” He leaned in closer so he had my full attention. “ Listen real good son, this is important. You listening to me?” I nodded. “You can run off anytime during the night and I won’t stop you but when and if you do that you become a jail breaker, a wanted man and your bounty goes up high. Folks around here mostly shoot first and ask why not later. No one questions a citizen who brings in a body of a wanted man laying over a saddle. You understand what I’m saying ? I want to make sure you realize the importance of it“. I mumbled and nodded something that to me sounded like “yes.” “One more thing son,“ still leaning in on me to keep my attention “I’m a man of habits, I like to do the same thing every day, the same way as I did the day before. It really upsets me if something happens that changes this. I get all riled. Your running off during the night would break my chain of habit I have grown to like and use. To put it bluntly it would rile me to no end and you really don’t want to see me riled to no end, especially at you. I would much rather see you in the morning over a cup of coffee than later over the sights of my rifle. It’s your choice Cowboy I hope I see you here in he morning .He said as he closed the door behind him. Right then I didn’t give a hoot in hell what he could or would do, my stomach was bad. All I wanted was sleep. I pulled off my boots used them for a pillow and was asleep almost before I was flat on that yellow mattress. Now I rightly don’t know how long I slept, maybe two minutes , two hours or more. . But I was called back to being awake but someone or something pounding on the door and yelling. At first I didn’t know where I was or even who I was. I did know I wasn’t feeling very good. I was in that place in between partly drunk and partly hung over. Ugh! I guess my confusion as to what was happening lasted for only a few seconds. I did figured out that the screeching that was going on wasn’t gonna stop until someone did something. Finally on about the fourth try I got my stomach, head and body working all together and got my feet on the floor, head in my hands, gulping and swallowing for all I was worth trying to keep what was inside me there. And the caterwauling, howling and pounding kept on. Two more tries and I got to my feet and found I could walk or stumble. Then I followed the wall to the door and again used the wall of the office to find the outside door. There in the bright moonlight was two very drunk punchers. They seen me right off. “Sheriff you come out here now we gonna whup you.” Well I knew that even if those two were sober that overweight , overage lawman would have them roped tied and branded before they could spit.. “ Sheriff ain’t here, he’s gone for the night, be back about 8 o’clock in the morning. Come back then. Or, if you really need him better go to his house. Just go away, go somewhere , not here. I want to get some sleep.” “If you ain’t the sheriff who be you? Asked the shorter one. “Just a drunk like you, only a prisoner right now. Go away let me go back to sleep.” “If you be a prisoner why come you got the run of the place and not locked up like you should be ? Called out the taller one. Before I could get in an arguing contest with them the short one hollered . “We think you’re a yellow dog and a lily livered coward for not coming out here.” At this time there was no turning back, no swallowing and deep breathes to smooth out my rough stomach. By the time the used free lunch and beer hit the back of my throat I was already out of the door, off the porch and around the corner of the building where I puked my guts out beside the wood pile. Everything inside me that was not attached came out. After all was said and done except for the deep breathing and spitting I felt really good. Until I realized I was standing in a puddle of my own vomit with my brand new socks. My boots were still inside dry and warm. Now I felt good but a mite mean over those two Whiskey Hero’s planning on beatin up on me and makin me dirty my socks. Had to be their fault weren’t mine. I knew I could just run off in the dark and they would never find me but also along those lines I would probably be called a jail breaker and shot on sight. I didn’t like that idea no way. I was sure they were not packin iron cuz I hadn’t seen any and there was a no gun law in this town. Seen the sign on the wall of the saloon. Off in the dark I could hear them plottin some great and wonderous plan against me. Two against one ain’t good odds , even if one was smaller and one was bigger. So I decided I needed something to make the difference a little closer in my favor. In my shuffling around and trying to get out of that there puddle I was in I stepped on a piece of juniper bush., about two feet long and that many inches thick. Now I had the odds evener in my hand but I needed a plan to make it to work. Again my wet stinky socks came alive and helped me out. I stepped on a pile of small rocks, probably raked up there by some prisoner in a hopeless attempt to beautify the place. Well, I sure hoped he didn’t mind if I used his rakings cuz I needed a distraction. I tossed a handful of those small rocks over the building so they made rattling noise as they rolled off the other side of the slanted roof. These two were drunk and on top of that they weren’t to smart. Those two turkey buzzards jumped at that bait like a fish at worm time. Around the corner of the jail they went screeching like band of wild Irish banshees, telling all within sight or hearing of the harm they were going to do to me I injuned up behind the taller one tapped him on the shoulder, when he turned around I punched him in the stomach with the end of my juniper stick. He whooshed, his eyes bulged and he went to his knees gasping for breathe. The short one hearing the fracas behind him turned around and I hit him high on the left arm just like those baseball boys do with those bats. All his fight and dander went out of him at once. He grabbed his arm moaned and just stood there making wimpy sounds. Then when he could think and realize what happened he began saying “You broked my arm, you broked my arm. “Shut up, your making me mad.” that was the hang over meanness coming out of me. “Shut up or I’ll make both your arms the same ‘Broked.,” That kind a slowed him down . Then I got to wondering if maybe I had broke his arm. “Lift your arm “ I told him. He moaned and pretended he couldn’t . I put the end of my stick under chin and lifted his face so he could see me. “Now lift your arm or I promise you , you will not like what I do.” Groaning he lifted his arm a few inches. “See Bright Eyes, your arm ain’t broke. Just bruised, now get off your rear end and help Twinkle Toes over there into the jail your both an under arrest.” “What , what you mean under arrest, you just a prisoner , you told us that. you told us that yourself. You can’t put us in jail you ain’t no lawman.” he half moaned and half grumbled. My hang over was beginning to start in earnest now. I put the tip of my stick under his chin again and lifted it up so he could see my face. “You and you pal came here looking for trouble and you found it. You found me Double Trouble. You got a belly full of whiskey and decided you want to be a bad guy. The only thing bad about you is your breath. Your lucky the sheriff didn’t get hold of you, he would really let you have what for. Now you get over there , pick up that Numb Skull before he inhales all the dried horse crap off the street and get him inside the jail, if I do it neither one of you will like it. Now you move it cowboy.” It took a while but finally they got inside . There I took their boots, hats and all their pocket stuff, suspenders and belts, sent them to the out house one at a time, then put them in the jail room after they moved my cot out into the office.. Conrad, who was the short one wanted to know where they were supposed to sleep. I said “Shut up, sleep any where in this room you want.” I slammed the door and put a straight backed chair under the knob and went to sleep. At 8 O’clock in the morning the sheriff freshly shaven and with a clean shirt poked his head through the doors. I see your still here cowboy, that’s good thinking.” Looking around the room he asked “What the hell happened here? “ The room was all dusted, swept out file boxes straightened out, the stove was newly blackened with polish I found in the drawer of his desk. The coffee pot was on the stove, my washed socks were hanging over the stove drying and I was sitting behind the desk cleaning one of his rifles from the cabinet. “ Conrad and DeWayne needed something to do so I put them to work.” Blankly he stared at me saying “Conrad and Dwayne ?” “Yeah, two riders from the Rocking S.” they came by to see you last night. I told him the whole story. He laughed and asked “Where are they now?’ “Out back cleaning the horse apples out of your shed.” “You a peace officer?” he asked “Nope, made a citizens arrest.” “Now that’s fine. but the question is. Can a prisoner arrest a non prisoner or even make an arrest of anyone?” “I don’t know Sheriff, you’re the law man.” “As sheriff I’m not going to make a ruling on this I’m putting it to the Justice of the Peace.” he shooed me out of his chair, took off his badge, tossed it in the drawer, took out a law book, placed it on the desk put his elbow on it and said “As Justice of the Peace for this County I hereby decree that a prisoner can make a citizens arrest of any and all evil doers within his sight. So be it.” He said with a grin. “How much money they got there? And why do you have their belts and suspenders?” I looked “They have $7.28 between them. Seems to me that guy can’t run far , fast or hard holdin up his pants.” He laughed ”Okay bring them in .” Two very bedraggled looking cowboys stood in front of the desk. Dewayne was still slightly bend over at the waist from the stick in stomach, the other one Conrad had his left hand between two buttons on his shirt using it as a sling for his bruised arm. Both smelling to high heaven, sweat, horse droppings, stale beer and whiskey, tobacco smoke, unwashed clothes , or if you added all together they smelled like cowboy. “This court is now in session, your charged with Drunk, Disorderly Conduct and Disturbing the Peace. How do you plead?” he asked Conrad. “Why heck Judge we was just funning, we meant no hurt to no one.” “That fine Conrad I’m glad to hear that but how do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?” “Oh, hell guilty I guess. Your honor sir.” Okay good, Now DeWayne how about you. How do you plead? Guilt or not guilty? “Guilty .” “Fine, now I’m going to make it easy on you boys, I know you were just funning and having a good time. So I’m just going to fine you $6.75 between you. Because your horses spent the night in the livery stable at fee of 25 cents per animal and as I own the stable you owe $.50 for that. I will take all fees , fines and livery costs here. Now. Courts adjourned , Now you boys collect your gear here, go across the street to the Blue Bird Café and have some free breakfast, you got one hour to show me your dust going out of town.” “Judge, I want to make a complaint sir about your deputy. “ “ My, ah, Deputy? Oh yes, my deputy.” Judge he’s to mean to be a good lawman why just look at me and DeWayne he can’t hardly stand and I can’t even hardly use my arm he beat us pretty bad last night. Your honor sir. “Now Conrad it looks to me like he beat good , not bad and I will think about what you said.. Mean while your town time is running so you best be getting down the road.” After those two had gone the Sheriff looked at me and grinned “Hey, we got $7.25 lets go have breakfast, we’ll go to the Quartzite up the street better food and we won’t have to talk to those boys.” During breakfast the Sheriff said “ I like the way you handled yourself last night and today with those two rascals. You wanted anywhere, By the law, Husband, wives and girl friends don’t count?” “Don’t think so, at least not to my reckoning, Lets just say Nope.” “You a drunk?” :Nope first drink last night in almost a year.” “ I need a deputy, someone to ride the county, keep the nose of the law known out there. Working alone, be gone from town, most of your time, solving small problems and keeping lowlife riders going right on through our area here. Pays $40.00 a month and found while your out and about the county. Furnish your own weapons, horses and tack, same arrest bounty as me, collect all and any rewards” “Sounds good to me sheriff but can’t ?” “Why not it’s a good job.” “I’m still a prisoner, got charges against me.” “Damn, forgot about that. Court is now in session. Your charged. . . You know what your charged with. How do you plead?” “Guilty” “This court finds you guilty as charged and fines you breakfast. “ Sheriff it takes a good drunk, a fist fight, a vomit, and a job offer to make the world seem right, you just hired yourself a mean deputy.” He kept the $7.25.
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